Beef Haiku Daily

Beef Haiku #65

2006-05-18T18:47:00.000Z

Corned beef is rubbish.
No amount of arguing
makes it nice to eat.

That is my final word on the matter. For a bit.

Beef Haiku #64

2006-05-11T18:25:00.000Z

I had a blood test.
Sodium level too low.
No beef result though.

Beef Haiku #63

2006-05-08T10:20:00.000Z

I misheard my friend.
"Let's go and sit on the beach!"
I thought he said beef.

Beef Haiku #62

2006-04-28T23:52:00.000Z

"Corned beef sandwiches."
That has five syllables in.
And it's about beef.

Beef Haiku #61

2006-04-27T23:51:00.000Z

Terribly upset.
It is my birthday today.
No one gave me beef.

Beef Haiku #60

2006-04-26T22:56:00.000Z

London was rubbish.
Too many cars and people
and no beef in sight.

Beef Haiku #59

2006-04-24T15:41:00.003Z

I'm a bit worried.
I have to go to London.
Do they have beef there?

Beef Haiku #58

2006-04-23T23:27:00.000Z

Lamb, pork and chicken -
why are these meats not so good
as the lovely beef?

Beef Haiku #57

2006-04-22T23:30:00.000Z

Beef disappointment:
Invited to a friend's house -
he cooked a chicken.

Beef Haiku #56

2006-04-21T23:59:00.000Z

Well... this is the kind of poetry that will happen if you go out and drink too much on a Friday night:

Drinking Guinness rocks!
It goes well with steak in pies
- like nothing on earth.

Beef Haiku #55

2006-04-21T08:05:00.000Z

Much beef on Thursday.
Forgot to write a Haiku.
It effects my brain.

Beef Haiku #54

2006-04-19T23:56:00.000Z

Beefer Sutherland wished to share his views "in memory of beef gone by":

spring sun warms my face
i feel happy, though slaughter
looms ever closer

Beef Haiku #53

2006-04-18T20:49:00.000Z

Fancied a Sirloin.
Price on grocery website -
£3.62

Beef Haiku #52

2006-04-17T14:35:00.000Z

Can you believe it?
There is a BEEF Magazine!
No poetry though .

:(

Beef Haiku #51

2006-04-16T19:37:00.000Z

Discovered recently, scribbled as a footnote in Wilfred Owen's manuscripts:

Have thought of last line -
Dulce et decorum est...
Sod it, where's my beef?

Beef Haiku #50

2006-04-15T21:32:00.000Z

Saturday - I hide
under a duvet of beef.
Which feels a bit weird.

50 Haiku. Go us.

Beef Haiku #46, #47, #48, #49.

2006-04-14T23:32:00.000Z

Greetings beefketeers. My humble apologies for the lack of meaty poetry these last few weeks. I offer no explanation for my absence - in place, and by way of sating your undoubtedly insatiable appetite for bovine verse, I offer several Haiku where one would most certainly suffice. They cover the four basic motifs of fear, guilt, cheese and loss:

Spring is upon us.
Cows making beefy babies.
Hush! Make not a sound.

I dropped the burger
and he had no idea.
I am a bad man.

Cheeseburger logic:
Beef comes from a cow, also -
cheese comes from a cow.

She will not return.
Tears fall into cottage pie.
And I feel unloved.

Beef Haiku #45

2006-02-03T17:27:00.000Z

A Haiku born of frustration, sent from CJ Dee. So there is something good about those viagra emails after all...

It said "Beef Earthquake".
I clicked it excitedly.
Bah. Not beef, but spam.

Beef Haiku #44

2006-01-26T17:27:00.000Z

A boring party.
Lost the will to live. Wait! Look!
Chilli con carne.

Beef Haiku #43

2006-01-23T18:59:00.000Z

So the day has come.
I have found beef I don't like.
- Reconstituted.

Beef Haiku #42

2006-01-10T17:56:00.000Z

My nightmare returns:
A man in uniform shouts
"Beef, beef, bloody beef."

Beef Haiku #41

2006-01-06T23:55:00.000Z

I am excited.
As I sit at the table
I can smell my rump.

Beef Haiku #40

2006-01-03T15:39:00.000Z

Fighting off boredom
typing Haiku with my feet
whilst eating jerky.

Happy new year.

Beef Haiku #39

2005-12-22T17:26:00.000Z

The Gristle believes he has the answer to Steak Winslet's beef-pleating quandary.

Beef origami?
It needn't be difficult.
I tenderize first.

N.B. We received this offering in an email entitled 'meat jousting'. I find the idea of replying in kind to another artist's poetry strangely beautiful and appealing. I look forward with anticipation to my first Haiku argument.

Beef Haiku #38

2005-12-16T18:48:00.000Z

Beefer Sutherland gets into the Christmas spirit. Do Christmas and Haiku mix? They do now.

We wait for Santa.
Then our meaty presents come.
Beef under our tree.

Beef Haiku #37

2005-12-15T13:45:00.000Z

I am eighties cow
Maybe I have BSE
Burger me senseless

A big thank you to CJ Dee for lowering the tone.

Beef Haiku #36

2005-12-14T21:56:00.000Z

Sebastian Coe.
I don't know if he eats beef,
but I reckon so.

Beef Haiku #35

2005-12-13T11:46:00.000Z

The Gristle illustrates the dangers of experimenting with non-beef foodstuffs.

regardless of price
the cheese bap was an error
beef roll tomorrow

Beef Haiku #34

2005-12-12T15:36:00.000Z

Steak Winslet strikes again.

Origami fun
So good to do with paper
Less easy with beef

Apologies for confusion

2005-12-12T15:14:00.000Z

Here at Beef Haiku Daily we have received several complaints that there have been no Haiku posted "for the last few days". The Beef Haiku Daily Panel have deemed it appropriate for me to post the following explanation by way of an apology:

"We, the Beef Haiku Daily Panel, have been alerted to the fact that not all of our human readers conceptually understand the international universal cow calendar [IUCC]. The confusion regarding the lack of postings lies within the fact that the period between Wednesday 7th December 2005 and Sunday 11th December 2005 (human calendar) falls into the category of 'days' known pejoratively as 'bovine twilight'. Coupled with the word 'Daily' in this modern internet website's name, the apparent discrepancy is due to the fact that there are no corresponding 'days' in the IUCC. In short, where human beings believe there to have been a shortfall in meaty poetry (as a result of this site's use of the human Gregorian Calendar) in fact, there isn't one. If you are confused about anything else, we are sorry about that too (but probably not responsible)."

Thank you.

Beef Haiku #33

2005-12-06T09:29:00.000Z

I don't have the balls
to eat any cow offal
- neither do they now.

Beef Haiku #32

2005-12-05T13:26:00.000Z

Sometimes I wonder
if beef is really that good.
Then I punch myself.

Beef Haiku #31

2005-12-04T12:29:00.000Z

A joint composition by Steak Winslet & Captain Beefheart.

An apple a day
keeps the doctor away but
so does a beef door.

Beef Haiku #30

2005-12-03T14:19:00.000Z

I had an odd dream
of falling from tall buildings.
- Big Beef Trampoline.

Beef Haiku #29

2005-12-02T10:46:00.000Z

The tragedy of pre-ingestion trauma is all too clearly illustrated by The Gristle.

the knife is too dull
i require more serrations
to eat this sirloin

Beef Haiku #28

2005-12-01T11:57:00.000Z

I wandered lonely
as a juicy peice of steak.
Which is quite lonely.

Beef Haiku #27

2005-11-30T23:43:00.000Z

In order to highlight the difference between a Beef Haiku and a Cow Haiku (and hence what is publishable on this site), the Beef Haiku Panel have deemed it appropriate to display the following work. It is a Cow Haiku containing a reference to beef and therefore qualifies for publication. Purists will of course argue that due to the magnificent nature of everyone's favourite fleshmeal, it can in fact be seen as a Beef Haiku containing a reference to a cow. And who am I to argue?

My name is Gertrude.
I chew the cud and pray that
no one eats my rump.

Random Cow Haiku

2005-11-30T23:00:00.000Z

Much as we object to posting non-beef-related-cow-type-Haiku on this site, the beautiful Cowdrey Tautou has provided us with ample reason to make an exception in her case. We warn all other artists considering such self-assured behaviour, to think twice before exposing themselves to a world of potential ridicule.

"La vache qui regarde
Passer les trains" watches me.
I am not a train.

Beef Haiku #26

2005-11-29T20:25:00.000Z

The meat in my fridge
is green and hairy and smells.
I hope it's not beef.

Beef Haiku #25

2005-11-28T18:37:00.000Z

I had a nightmare.
The worst feeling in the world -
beef did not exist.

Beef Haiku #24

2005-11-27T23:12:00.000Z

Beefer Sutherland demonstrates what happens when you text us a Haiku whilst out on the town on a Saturday evening:

Psycho beef killer
Kess ke say? Fa fa fa fa
fa fa fa fa fa!

This is cheating.

Beef Haiku #23

2005-11-26T11:39:00.000Z

Wouldn't it be weird
if the world was made of beef?
Yes, you idiot.

Beef Haiku #22

2005-11-25T23:13:00.000Z

Thank you to the renowned BlurredBeef for this submission. He has generously taken time away from his cooking and philosophy tour of the Midlands to write this take on the age old "origins of gravy" dilemma. Note the lack of metaphysical references, similar to Kant's "My beef is too dry".

What would happen if
A cow gets dehydrated?
Beef stock cubes I guess.

Beef Haiku #21

2005-11-24T11:59:00.000Z

The law changed today.
Booze 'til twelve, but still I'm sad.
No beef at the bar.

Beef Haiku #20

2005-11-23T23:43:00.000Z

A suit made from steaks.
It covers my nakedness.
I am too hot though.

Beef Haiku #19

2005-11-22T22:07:00.000Z

Thank you to Steak Winslet for today's artistic beefitude.

Vegetarian.
I like lettuce, fruit and nuts.
Oh... and I like beef.

Beef Haiku #18

2005-11-21T16:59:00.000Z

I can't eat Sushi.
I hate all Japanese food -
except wok-tossed beef.

Beef Haiku #17

2005-11-20T12:04:00.000Z

There have been many great literary relationships over the years - the Shelleys and the Brownings immediately spring to mind - but none with such a towering presence in the domain of bovine poetry as Beefer Sutherland and Ab Eefstake. These two pioneered the Multiple Authored Haiku, realising very early on, that two was the optimum number of writers needed (rather than the 'one per syllable' approach others had taken).

Picked from the 'psychedelic era' of Beef Haiku'ing (1991-1997), here we have an example of their writing which led to the government health warning "Don't mix beef and drugs".

beef boy and beef girl
flying in space loving it
no chicken required

Beef Haiku #16

2005-11-19T11:52:00.000Z

I finally have permission to publish our latest anonymous contribution. This one was sent not to us at Beef Haiku Daily, but as a modern text message to an acquaintance of ours. As you can see, it is not so much the 'Standard' Beef Haiku, but a classic example of the emotionally desperate haiku that we all so often find naturally dripping from our mouths during our quotidian social exchanges.

Roast beef tomorrow
with potatoes and yorkshires
get your ass back here

Beef Haiku #15

2005-11-18T23:41:00.000Z

It occurs to me
there should be more beefy drinks
other than Bovril.

Beef Haiku #14

2005-11-17T21:04:00.000Z

Thank you to Bob Rump for today's Haiku. In his charming composition Bob elucidates upon the oft ignored emotional side of beef eating.

Moo! Chop! All quiet
Belly is full but life gone
I feel no guilt though

Beef Haiku #13

2005-11-16T16:40:00.000Z

Back by popular demand (after his recent tutorial contribution), Beefer Sutherland has graced us with another of his works. This prolific master of the form demonstrates in his own inimitable style why, as a young boy, his junior school chums voted him "Least Anemic Pariah" two years running.

solitary steak
on my plate alone it waits
I pour some gravy

Beef Haiku #12

2005-11-15T23:00:00.000Z

My new recipe
means I must make note to self:
'Beef and ice-cream' sucks.

Beef Haiku #11

2005-11-14T12:54:00.000Z

Criminal pursuit.
An adventure through customs.
My beef is intact.

Beef Haiku #10

2005-11-13T19:32:00.000Z

I had a fondue.
On my fork there was some beef.
I dipped it in cheese.

Beef Haiku #9

2005-11-12T17:56:00.000Z

Life confuses me...
and why am I made of beef,
unlike my pig friends?

Beef Haiku #8

2005-11-11T13:30:00.000Z

Brownness of autumn
like the brownest of cow pats
reminds me of beef.

Beef Haiku #7

2005-11-10T17:09:00.000Z

When it is springtime
I fill holes in the bedroom
with beef wellington.

Another fine submission by Ab Eefstake.

Tutorial: How not to prioritize vegetables over beef.

2005-11-10T16:31:00.000Z

My heartfelt thanks to Beefer Sutherland for pointing out a mistake that many first time Beef Haiku-ers make, namely mistaking vegetables as an alternative to a good slab of Angus. He illustrates his point beautifully by allowing me to publish a frankly embarrassing Haiku from his bottom drawer (written early in his Beef Haiku career), followed by the improved version after he took my course Beef Haiku'ing for Cash. (N.B. Please do not apply - this course finished in the 70's).

Clearly rubbish:
i have a steak ache
in my belly it hurts, oh
i should eat more greens

Better:
i have a steak ache
in my belly it hurts, oh
yes, i must eat more

Of course there are other obvious mistakes in the modified version, but these are just some of the pitfalls one must endure when one chooses to embark upon a life of meat based cogitation. Again I am indebted to a now widely respected artist for allowing me to use such a useless piece of work on my site.

Beef Haiku #6

2005-11-09T12:16:00.000Z

Today's entry is an oldie written during the great bovine uprising of 1927. Cow unrest had been rising during the winter of '26 and even intimate family relationships were becoming strained.

Daisy made a bomb.
She watched her husband explode.
Beef for everyone.

Beef Haiku #5

2005-11-08T14:29:00.000Z

I love beef so much,
I want to make a movie -
like Beef Encounter.

Beef Haiku #4

2005-11-07T15:54:00.000Z

Beef pie in the sky.
Beef pie fell into my eye.
Blind winter ahead.

Thank you to Ab Eefstake for today's little gem. I hope I have spelled your name correctly. For some reason I now have images in my mind of slaying vampires using beef related products.

Beef Haiku #3

2005-11-06T15:46:00.000Z

Today was boring,
so I had beef for my lunch.
Life seems better now.

Beef Haiku #2

2005-11-05T12:14:00.000Z

If it is winter,
heat up steaks in an oven
and wear them as shoes.

Beef Haiku #1

2005-11-04T23:43:00.000Z

My favourite meat.
I can eat it with gravy.
It comes from a cow.