Beef Haiku #27

In order to highlight the difference between a Beef Haiku and a Cow Haiku (and hence what is publishable on this site), the Beef Haiku Panel have deemed it appropriate to display the following work. It is a Cow Haiku containing a reference to beef and therefore qualifies for publication. Purists will of course argue that due to the magnificent nature of everyone's favourite fleshmeal, it can in fact be seen as a Beef Haiku containing a reference to a cow. And who am I to argue?

My name is Gertrude.
I chew the cud and pray that
no one eats my rump.

Random Cow Haiku

Much as we object to posting non-beef-related-cow-type-Haiku on this site, the beautiful Cowdrey Tautou has provided us with ample reason to make an exception in her case. We warn all other artists considering such self-assured behaviour, to think twice before exposing themselves to a world of potential ridicule.

"La vache qui regarde
Passer les trains" watches me.
I am not a train.

Beef Haiku #26

The meat in my fridge
is green and hairy and smells.
I hope it's not beef.

Beef Haiku #25

I had a nightmare.
The worst feeling in the world -
beef did not exist.

Beef Haiku #24

Beefer Sutherland demonstrates what happens when you text us a Haiku whilst out on the town on a Saturday evening:

Psycho beef killer
Kess ke say? Fa fa fa fa
fa fa fa fa fa!

This is cheating.

Beef Haiku #23

Wouldn't it be weird
if the world was made of beef?
Yes, you idiot.

Beef Haiku #22

Thank you to the renowned BlurredBeef for this submission. He has generously taken time away from his cooking and philosophy tour of the Midlands to write this take on the age old "origins of gravy" dilemma. Note the lack of metaphysical references, similar to Kant's "My beef is too dry".

What would happen if
A cow gets dehydrated?
Beef stock cubes I guess.

Beef Haiku #21

The law changed today.
Booze 'til twelve, but still I'm sad.
No beef at the bar.

Beef Haiku #20

A suit made from steaks.
It covers my nakedness.
I am too hot though.

Beef Haiku #19

Thank you to Steak Winslet for today's artistic beefitude.

Vegetarian.
I like lettuce, fruit and nuts.
Oh... and I like beef.

Beef Haiku #18

I can't eat Sushi.
I hate all Japanese food -
except wok-tossed beef.

Beef Haiku #17

There have been many great literary relationships over the years - the Shelleys and the Brownings immediately spring to mind - but none with such a towering presence in the domain of bovine poetry as Beefer Sutherland and Ab Eefstake. These two pioneered the Multiple Authored Haiku, realising very early on, that two was the optimum number of writers needed (rather than the 'one per syllable' approach others had taken).

Picked from the 'psychedelic era' of Beef Haiku'ing (1991-1997), here we have an example of their writing which led to the government health warning "Don't mix beef and drugs".

beef boy and beef girl
flying in space loving it
no chicken required

Beef Haiku #16

I finally have permission to publish our latest anonymous contribution. This one was sent not to us at Beef Haiku Daily, but as a modern text message to an acquaintance of ours. As you can see, it is not so much the 'Standard' Beef Haiku, but a classic example of the emotionally desperate haiku that we all so often find naturally dripping from our mouths during our quotidian social exchanges.

Roast beef tomorrow
with potatoes and yorkshires
get your ass back here

Beef Haiku #15

It occurs to me
there should be more beefy drinks
other than Bovril.

Beef Haiku #14

Thank you to Bob Rump for today's Haiku. In his charming composition Bob elucidates upon the oft ignored emotional side of beef eating.

Moo! Chop! All quiet
Belly is full but life gone
I feel no guilt though

Beef Haiku #13

Back by popular demand (after his recent tutorial contribution), Beefer Sutherland has graced us with another of his works. This prolific master of the form demonstrates in his own inimitable style why, as a young boy, his junior school chums voted him "Least Anemic Pariah" two years running.

solitary steak
on my plate alone it waits
I pour some gravy

Beef Haiku #12

My new recipe
means I must make note to self:
'Beef and ice-cream' sucks.

Beef Haiku #11

Criminal pursuit.
An adventure through customs.
My beef is intact.

Beef Haiku #10

I had a fondue.
On my fork there was some beef.
I dipped it in cheese.

Beef Haiku #9

Life confuses me...
and why am I made of beef,
unlike my pig friends?

Beef Haiku #8

Brownness of autumn
like the brownest of cow pats
reminds me of beef.

Beef Haiku #7

When it is springtime
I fill holes in the bedroom
with beef wellington.

Another fine submission by Ab Eefstake.

Tutorial: How not to prioritize vegetables over beef.

My heartfelt thanks to Beefer Sutherland for pointing out a mistake that many first time Beef Haiku-ers make, namely mistaking vegetables as an alternative to a good slab of Angus. He illustrates his point beautifully by allowing me to publish a frankly embarrassing Haiku from his bottom drawer (written early in his Beef Haiku career), followed by the improved version after he took my course Beef Haiku'ing for Cash. (N.B. Please do not apply - this course finished in the 70's).

Clearly rubbish:
i have a steak ache
in my belly it hurts, oh
i should eat more greens

Better:
i have a steak ache
in my belly it hurts, oh
yes, i must eat more

Of course there are other obvious mistakes in the modified version, but these are just some of the pitfalls one must endure when one chooses to embark upon a life of meat based cogitation. Again I am indebted to a now widely respected artist for allowing me to use such a useless piece of work on my site.

Beef Haiku #6

Today's entry is an oldie written during the great bovine uprising of 1927. Cow unrest had been rising during the winter of '26 and even intimate family relationships were becoming strained.

Daisy made a bomb.
She watched her husband explode.
Beef for everyone.

Beef Haiku #5

I love beef so much,
I want to make a movie -
like Beef Encounter.

Beef Haiku #4

Beef pie in the sky.
Beef pie fell into my eye.
Blind winter ahead.

Thank you to Ab Eefstake for today's little gem. I hope I have spelled your name correctly. For some reason I now have images in my mind of slaying vampires using beef related products.

Beef Haiku #3

Today was boring,
so I had beef for my lunch.
Life seems better now.

Beef Haiku #2

If it is winter,
heat up steaks in an oven
and wear them as shoes.

Beef Haiku #1

My favourite meat.
I can eat it with gravy.
It comes from a cow.